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I Once Knew a Vampire  named Lizzie

by Tony Stewart

Due out mid year - 2015

What a swimmer is Draculas's daughter

Though her pool is more red than it oughta

It's easy to float

But the blood stains the boat

'Cos blood is much thicker than water

(followed by evil laughter and some cool jazz)

                                                                 John Zakerle

                                                                 (Dinner with Drac)

                                                                 (Unauthorised reprint)


  The preceding limerick was taken from a 1958 U.S.A. hit single Dinner with Drac part 1 by John Zakerele which also charted in Brisbane.  The record was a series of similar limericks with a cool jazz backing (on both sides of the record - PARTS 1 AND 2) and a voice to match Boris Karloff narrating.   I loved that single when it first came out and I still love it now and it inspired me to create this book.   Unfortunatley it is not perfect because limericks aren't as easy to create as one would think.(You will notice in the sample that the first, second and fifth line of a limerick rhyme as does the third and fourth and that ain't easy to write, I can assure you.)  so I have comprimised and created the story lines in my own imitable style (a mixture of poems and limericks) and I hope you enjoy them.   And because it requires so many funny monster images I will initially release it as a Draw-it-Yourself book and that should test the imagination of the budding artist.


I also found myself creating some rhyming stories that run forever, so I have placed them in Long Stories for Short People which will have a seperate release.


I once knew a vampire named lizzie is meant to be a fun book so the artists can have a ball drawing silly versions of werewolves and vampires and mummy's and things of the night to compliment the text .  I have flogged a couple of illustration examples off the web and a royalty free c.d and matched them to a couple of the mini stories as an example of what you can achieve,


Have Fun

Tony Stewart




a few samples of funny things that I have written,

Sample stories, poems and other silly little things

by Tony Stewart


Boris was a strange little thing

who was both fat and thin

because his  measurements and his weight

depended on what he ate

and what between his gums he decided to put within



There was a dog with long sharp teeth

who loved to dine on humpback whales

but he was so fat and lazy

all he could catch was slugs and snails



in ancient egypt many years ago

a mummy by the name of jenny

used to love eating scarab beatles

she could never get too many


she would eat them with a salad

or toasted on some bread

she ate so many one day

it made her go dizzy in the head


she never meant to eat so many bugs

it was just they tasted so very, very nice

and the day her taste buds went all crazy

she was mixing them with honey, jam and rice


now jenny wasn't very big

and she wasn't very bright

and every scarab that she swallowed

sent her mad that wild and woolly night


not only did her head spin

her tummy rumbled too

she thought that perhaps

she should go and do a poo


but she hadn't counted on crazy jimmy

her neighbour from next door

who instead of eating a dozen frogs

had eaten eighty four


now his tummy was jumping

after eating froggies by the score

and this is why he had come round

knocking at her door


he had already filled his own

but he need badly to go again

i really must use your loo, he cried

my tummy’s full of pain


though jenny need badly herself to go

she relented and let him use her loo

but eighty four frogs take up a lot of room

and soon he broke her bowl - so she could not use it too


Jenny could feel the onset of gas within her tum

but there was nothing she could do

she was full of scarab beetles

and now there was no loo


she ran around in circles

then ran out the house screaming at the moon

and that was the last time we saw jenny

but she might be back for her birthday, I hope we see her soon





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